The month of October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and although it is a difficult topic to write about, it is one that I believe has many stigmas attached to it. Many people don't know but my first pregnancy was not with Annemarie. When my husband and I decided to start trying we got pregnant on the first month. I remember seeing those two lines turn pink and was so elated that God had blessed us with this great gift. We even had family out of town staying at our home so having our little secret seemed even more exciting. I quickly called the doctor to make my appointment and we only told our parents and siblings of the great news since I was so early on.
A couple of days later I was getting dressed in the early morning to go over my moms house, when I felt a rush, as if I had just gotten my menstrual cycle. Right away I went to the bathroom and saw there was a little bit of blood. I called my mom right away and went over her house. Now, at this point I just thought it was just a little blood nothing crazy and that everything was fine. As soon as I got to my moms house I felt another rush. Immediately I started to panic and pray to God. I called the doctor and he had me come in the following day and told me to stay in bed. I started to cry uncontrollably which at that moment my mom and sister tried to console me and reassured me that everything would be okay but that I need to relax because that wouldn't be good for the baby. Imagine - having to stay calm not knowing that you may be loosing a little helpless life and that as his/her mom you cannot do anything. The following day I went to the doctors with my bloodshot red eyes and my husband feeling helpless, even though I was physically going through the loss it was his baby as well. They asked me some questions and had me take a pregnancy test and all my fears were confirmed. As tears slid down my face I took a
big deep breath and told God that although I did not understand why this was happening to us, I knew he had another plan for us. I left the doctors office feeling defeated and empty. How could this happen? Had I done something to cause this? Should I have done something differently? Would I be able to get pregnant again? How would my husband feel about trying again? How soon should we try again? Does this mean that maybe now isn't the right time? As all these unanswered questions went through my mind, I crawled into bed and fell into a deep sleep. That night I dreamed with three people, my sister who passed away a couple of years ago and a little boy and girl. My sister was holding the hand of a little boy telling me not to worry that he was in good hands and pointed to a crib. As I walked to the crib I saw a little baby girl with an infectious smile looking right at me. The sense of calm I felt was indescribable (if you know me you know that I had an extreme bond with my sister and I always comment how I NEVER dream with her.)
After speaking with my husband we agreed that when our doctor gave us the go ahead we would try again and just like the time before we got those two dark pink lines, we were pregnant again. My dream had come true and God blessed me with a little girl, my rainbow angel, Annemarie.